This love deserves a capital "L". This is Love that is individual and personal and intimate and all-knowing. It is to be known as we all long and ache to be known. It is to be known as only your Savior and Creator can know you–with all your strengths, weaknesses, pre-mortal enthusiasm and determination, mortal discouragement and heartache–every secret moment of service and sin. He knows it all and does not turn His face away, does not waver in His dedication to you. Nothing about you disturbs His perfect love and His perfect peace. He knows you and He waits for you as long as you need Him to wait, while you try and retry other ways to find what you think will be happiness–only to find He is the only Way to the fulfillment you seek.

All other sources of security and sanity (steadiness of mind), even when they are good (such as a dedicated spouse or really decent, loving parents) are only good as far as they go. And someday, we all come to a place where even they can’t go, where even with all their support and love, we are left destitute, aching to be known in our deepest fears, our deepest longings. And finally, when we have let go of, look away from all other sources of comfort and strength, He is there for us. In unattended, unexplored, ignored truth, He always was there. It is my constant prayer that Heart t’ Heart is helping you discover that. That it is helping you find Him, finally, amidst all the terrible and/or wonderful other influences in your mortal journey.

I was so blessed by the meeting–and with this very reminder–that He is the One Way to sanity. Believe me, in the midst of the secular atmosphere of the university, as well as in the midst of the happiest marriage a woman could ever hope for, I am drowning in other options for my attention and devotion. It is so easy to let my one-on-one time with Him through the scriptures and capturing and journaling and deeply personal and intimate two-way prayer take second and third priority. It is so easy to slip into thinking, I’ve got to get this assignment in. I’ve got to give this sweet husband just one more act of assurance and sharing of our precious companionship and friendship. And I let the most precious conscious contact in all of time or eternity fade.

I am so thankful for Heart t’ Heart and all of you who participate in its fellowship. I am so grateful for the gift of being reminded of who and what is truly the greatest Higher Power in this world so that I could return Him to first place in my life.

For some time, I have been experiencing a sense of abstinence stronger than ever before. In fact, a few days ago I was feeling like I was having a great deal of progress without much specific attention or commitment from me. True, I was going through the actions of "working" a good program. I guess I was beginning to think that that was all it took to be safe from my addiction. Then came this event that taught me just how "cunning and baffling" (AA "Big Book", p. ) and stealthy addiction can be.

I was going along, just having a normal work day, when suddenly I received a request from a family member. "Could you go to _________ and do an errand for me. I thought, "Sure. Why not?" I realized that in the past, it had been a place where I sometimes went to indulge in my addiction, but that was a long-time ago. Even the Big Book says a person should be able to go into a bar if they have an honest reason for going there. So, why couldn’t I go where my family member needed me to go? This wasn’t one of those rationalized situations where I was just pretending I had a good reason, but deep down I was really wanting to act out. Right?

So, after work I took the route through town that would take me to this place. I hadn’t been there in a long time, and I was being abstinent. So I was safe. Right?

But then, my "on automatic pilot" recovery seemed to be controlled by a power greater than my good intentions–and not a good power either. As I got closer to the destination, I found myself thinking old addiction-triggered thoughts. I found that I even had a feeling of anticipation about where I was going. Like a voice whispering to me from a great distance, my recovery warned me that this was a time, like none I had experienced in months, when I needed the Lord’s help. So just as weakly, and as if a great gulf had appeared out of nowhere between me and the Truth, I said a little half-hearted prayer of half-surrender. If you are recognizing this as one of those "half measures" the Big Book says "availed us nothing," you’re getting the picture. And that’s about how effective it was.

Considering that I was walking back into circumstances full of past addictive triggers, I see now, I should have done something far more definite, far more committed than just a casual little prayer. I see, now, it would have been better–and my errand might have been successfully accomplished–if I had literally stopped for a moment–maybe in my car before I left it–and shut everything else out of my mind and allowed consciousness of the Savior to fully enter in. But I wasn’t thinking that clearly. Maybe by then I had already given in. (Have you ever noticed that when we want to not face the truth squarely, we choose obscure, evasive words like "maybe?) But, let’s get down to rigorous honesty: By then, I had given in. So to be honest, yes, I had already slid over that slippery slope and decided to give in–to get back into my addiction. And that’s what I did. When I got in the building, I just jumped right into my old ways. Went for the fix.

I am grateful to say, it didn’t turn out to be a binge. It only took a little slipping for me to recognize the terrible bitterness of relapse. With a broken heart, I left the building. The errand was a success, but my commitment to abstinence had failed. In agony of heart, I tried to understand what had happened. Things had been going so well for so long. And in that was a lesson for me–the lesson I would like to testify of in hopes of forewarning others. I’m grateful to say that one incident was all that happened and I pray that by actively paying attention to this lesson, I will be free of any more such "blank spots" as the "Big Book" calls them, (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 42).

The first thing that occurred to me as I prayerfully sought for the Lord’s merciful instruction is that I had been getting complacent. I had been thinking, "This abstinence thing isn’t so hard." Just as Bill W. spoke of himself on p. 6 of the "Big Book," I see now, my "confidence had been replaced with cocksureness." What an opportunity I had to learn this painful lesson by my own experience.

But there is another lesson, a deeper lesson that is the one I really want to share with you. This is the wisdom that the Lord taught me, that I pray I will not forget ever again. It seems that though I was experiencing good, strong abstinence in the situations I had routinely encountered, being thrust back into a circumstance that I had not lived through since my recovery began had caught me unprepared. This was a place my mind still associated with with acting out. The patterns were still in place. The stage was set, so to speak, for a relapse. Some situations are harder to maintain abstinence in than others. If you haven’t thought about that before, just think about trying to stick to an abstinent eating program on Thanksgiving. There’s the memory of all those other dinners where we over-indulged. And the pressure of "everybody else is doing it." See what I mean?

This morning, as I was having my quiet time with the Lord, I apologized to Him for the "faithlessness" of the night before. You see, I’ve always felt like if I had to admit "white knuckles" then I had to admit I hadn’t lost the desire to "do evil," and that meant the Lord hadn’t chosen to deliver me–and without His deliverance, I’m nothing and so I might as well admit it and use. (Pretty rational lies, aren’t they?)

Suddenly, as I was pondering my ability to stay abstinent the night before, I saw that abstinence is really a synonym for deliverance. Abstinence is deliverance, pure and simple–the Lord does it, not me–He delivers me. But then, what is my part? What can I do to let Him deliver me?