Heart t' Heart

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I am sure this is basic. I know there are other posts that probably deal with this but how do you determine when you are being codependent? Aren't there acts that would be Christ like service in one instance and codependent in another? For example, at one point, I was babysitting for a sister who worked a third shift. Her two children spent the night at my home. At first glance I think this was Christ Like service. She needed the income and she needed to be sure her children were being taken care of. After about two weeks of this, I found out she was picking up the kids from my home and taking them to a daycare where they spent the day while she and her husband slept. I then found out it was her husband's idea to work the third shift and I then found out other issues that were troubling about their relationship and care of the children. I realized that to continue caring for the children helped them continue a schedule that was not appropriate for them or the children and this would be codependent to continue. It was difficult for me to say no to them but it was easier than dealing with a codependent behavior with a family member.

Now here is my bigger issue. Is the problem really mine? Do you understand? If I gave that service to someone that was functional and just helped them for a week or two while they adjusted their schedule than that would have been Christlike service but since the person receiving the service was not functioning appropriately then it was codependent behavior to continue.

I run into a similar problem over and over again with my husband. For example, I handle the finances. In most relationships, this would be a division of labor decided between husband and wife which would be appropriate. In our case, I handle the finances because my husband doesn't want to deal with a checking account that is next to zero. Years ago he started a checking account to put his money into. He would decide how much money he needed without looking at the family's needs. He would give the money left over after his needs and desires were met and it was my responsibility to meet the needs of the family with what was leftover. He has changed this somewhat. I have access to his account but he will take out $200 from each paycheck as soon as he receives his pay so that he is sure he has enough to eat out for lunch each day. He never asks if there is enough in the budget for him to do that. Do you see my point? There isn't anything wrong with me handling the finances but the problem is the reason I am handling the finances. I know I have warped something in this analysis but why am I the one with the problem when what I am doing isn't the real problem? Does that make any sense? On the other hand, I guess I am the problem because I allow it to go on.

I even get confused because I didn't wake up one day and say that I want to try to be codependent. Like the rest of us I became codependent as a means of survival and conditioning from a dysfunctional family. If codependency was wrong than what was the right reaction for a child?

I know there is something not right with this thinking but I have to admit I am having a very hard time with this and find myself angry about it and feeling it isn't my problem. I guess this is probably another symptom of codependency.

Oh well, thank you for letting me vent my flawed thinking.
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Christine

[Colleen H.]

Christine,

By "coincidence" the piece I just wrote for Meridian magazine is on codependency. If I post it here, it will make for a very long post and it will lose all it's bold and italic fonts. I'll try anyway.

It didn't work. It was full of weird symbols for quotes, etc.

It is supposed to be posted in a couple of days on Meridian.

You can go to www.meridianmagazine.com (I think it will be on Friday) to find it.

You could also write to me through help@heart-t-heart.org and I could send you a MS WORD copy of it.

Colleen

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Thank you. I will look forward to reading it.
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Christine