Heart t' Heart

[HeatherZMc]

Ok so I am not new to the 12 step meetings just to the SA part of it! When I was growing up we found out my dad was addicted to drugs and had been for quite some time! The twelve step meetings and the Lord are the only 2 things that kept my family together! He has been sober for 10 years now and we are all so close in my family! So, that leads me to my next thing! The end of September '09 my husband came home from work basically right after he left our house. Work was only 5 minutes away! I was obvioulsy a little startled when he walked back in the door and I immediately knew that something was wrong. He told me that he had been fired for looking at p~rn at work!!!!! Now, my first reaction was to freak out but I didn't do that I just started crying! I could not believe that this was happening in my life! Hadn't I already gone through enough when I was growing up?! So we talked it out and he was really open and honest with me! He had been looking at it for about 6 weeks and had stopped for the last 2 weeks before he got fired, but in that 2 weeks he was not lookin they were gathering the information they needed to prove it was him! Now when they asked if it was him, again he was honest and told them everything which to me is a huge step! I fully believe everything he has told me, my only problem is getting my brain to not think about it! I have had a hard time with liking myself and my body because I am just so sure that he is comparing me to the girls in the p~rn! He has told me over and over again that he doesn't and that it is not like that at all! I know from everything with my dad that addiction is so not personal but this time it feels like it! I need to attend a meeting but because of the past it just feels scary to me and not something that I am ready to face right now! He also wants to go but for some reason this is way more embarassing this time around saying it is him and for me to say it is my husband instead of his father in law and my dad! I hope this is making sense to everyone reading this and I also hope that those of you that have been in this program can help with my feelings of comparing myslef to what I think he saw! I do have to admit that I do feel lucky that he was caught cause I don't really know how long this would have gone on without me noticing because we did not have a computer at home until 1 month ago! So it was a lot easier for him to keep it a secret from me! And yes i do have passwords that i have to enter in for him to use it! I learned from my mom that these are "natural consequences"! He has to earn my trust back! I know all to well what happens when we are givin trust back! I also am very thankful for his honesty and willingness because i know how unwilling a person can be when it comes to admitting their faults and getting help for it! Please give me any advice and opinions! I feel like it did not go on for very long and we are very fortunate that it didn't but I am also afraid of a relapse (even though my dad never had one) I just know that is a possibility!

[HeatherZMc]

Okay so also I was reading other peoples posts on here and it got me thinking! We have been married for 5 years and this is the first big hill we have come to! I am so thankful for that and I really try to not complain it just seems hard not to somedays! And I should also state that my husband did end up finding another job so I do know that my Heavenly Father watches out for us and he loves all of us so much! And I must also say that i do know from experience that things could be a lot crazier around her than they are and we really don't argue much because he is so honest and loving towards me, and that makes me feel secure! I am a very security oriented person! This is all about me and how I need to figure out how to get the bad self esteem out of my head and life! Just in typing all of this which is really long so sorry! It has really already helped me clear some thoughts and I am now seeing and reading form others that I am going to have to gain a testimony of forgiveness and have faith that I can work through my self esteem issues!

[Amanda2]

Let me first say that I am sorry for what you are being asked to endure right now. The pain, fear and all the feelings you are experiencing are valid and okay to feel. If there is one thing that I wish I got as quickly as you have is that your husbands addictions really aren't about you. If you are like me, there will be times that you can accept your current perspective, but there may also be times that you slip into self blame and doubt.

The first thing I thought when I read your post is how insightful you are! It has taken me years to get the insight you have already received. I found out about my husbands p~rn addiction not long after we were married. So, essentially it has always been a major heartache in our marriage. My initial reaction was to blame myself and to really punish myself for my husband actions.

The other thing that struck me was that your husband seems willing to be open and honest with you. As I have worked to correct my reaction to be hurt and compare myself to the women my husband was l~sting after, the true issue has become the lack of trust.

Please don't take this as me making you feel like you have it easy or anything even close to that. The hurt, disappointment, embarrassment etc is exactly what I am sure most of us have experienced, and most likely continue to experience at one point or another. Through counseling, I am learning that I am entitled to those feelings. It is what we choose to do with the feelings that have more of a long lasting effect on us emotionally and spiritually.

I have found the one thing that I can always rely on is prayer and companionship from my Savior. During the times when I can't trust anyone, including myself, I can ALWAYS rely on the Lord. Also, finding these forums, have helped me in so many ways. I think it is good to see that not only are we not alone in our trials, we are also not alone in our feelings. Journaling has also become key for me. It is a great way to put your feelings down in writing, giving yourself an outlet for your thoughts and feelings. There may be some room for growth, so listen to your promptings and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Amanda

[HeatherZMc]

Thank you for your reply! I think that you got exactly what I was trying to say! I do not feel I have it easy but I have been reading on here and I am very thankful that it is not harder than it is! A lot of you are going through so much and so hard times! I feel for you all! I don't want that to come across snoby or anything at all I just want you to know that I know some of you are prob thinking "well that does not sound hard compared to mine" and I know that!!! I dealt with a lot harder growing up so I know how bad addiction can get and how much it takes over lives and families! Yes Amanda2, I do understand a lot about the addiction adn the whole recovery process, but you have to remember I went through the drug addiction with my dad when I was 14 so it sunk in a lot then and it was a prime time for me to learn and take it all in! You are going through this older than that and also just in a marriage but you will understand more fully as you go through it and the longer it is! You sound like you do just as much as i do! Yes I do deffinately have those days of self blame! I was 6 months preg with our second when this happened and was very sick. So I have the days where I think "well, if I wouldn't have been sick this wouldn't have happened", but those days do not last long because of my past with my dad! I had to learn with my dad to not take anything personal because it is the addiction and the person allowing s~tan (sorry I don't like to spell out his name lol) to take over their lives and listen to him!I have a very strong testimony that s~tan has people here who are trying to tempt us every day whether it be a big temptation or a little one they are here! I also have a strong testimony that we are all givin the choice to listen to those temptaions or to push them aside. We have all listened to those temptations and done something to hurt ourselves and others! Some are just bigger than others!I have my mom to thank for her willingness to work through my dads addiction with him and keep us together as a family! It taught me that if you have a temple marriage you have promised to not give up! Now please don't get me wrong i know there are certain circumstances that you have to get out of! And each of us gets revaltion for our own lives! I fully understand those but this is deffinately not my answer although I did wonder about it the first day! But the Lord told me I would be taking the "easy" route if I gave up now! Thanks for the support! Thanks for thinking of me and praying for me and my family! I will do the same for yours! Hang in there we can all do this together and with the Lord!! Have a good day everyone!!!