Heart t' Heart

[Wendy J]

I hate being a perfectionist. It is literally driving me crazy. I can't stand it anymore.

I spent hours and hours this weekend working on a flowerbed in my yard - ripping out sod and weeds, digging a trench for the border, laying down bricks in a pretty pattern I saw in a magazine, pruning and relocating bushes, planting flowers... I am sore head to toe and burnt to a crisp too.

And do I feel any sense of satisfaction for all this hard work? No. I just have this awful sick feeling of panic in the pit of my stomach - that I put ALL this work into a project and I don't like the way it's turned out. But at this point if I want to fix it I will have to rip it all out and start all over again and why in the world do I even bother to try to make things nice when they just end up looking worse???

Not only that, but with all the time and effort I spent, I didn't even make a dent. I didn't even get the whole bed done - I only laid half the border and planted just a handful of plants. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel so lazy and whiny. I was SO SLOW. I would get two or three bricks in the ground and then have to stop and take a break for a while. I feel like anyone else could have gotten the whole thing done in a tenth of the time. But at the same time, I am so exhausted and sore and sick - I can't imagine how I could have done any more or worked any faster. What's wrong with me??? Is it because I'm getting older and am fat and out of shape or am I just lazy or not a hard worker?

And I didn't do any of the other million things that needed to be done - my house is filthy, I have nothing to wear (my hubby did laundry so some things are actually clean, but I still need to iron) and of the things I do have to wear nothing is fitting right, my dog needs to be brushed and have her nails clipped and her teeth are getting awful because I don't take care of them so I should really have them cleaned by the vet but that would cost a couple hundred dollars and I haven't been to the dentist myself in a year and I'm dreading it because the fillings I got last summer have never been quite right and the house smells awful because I can't get the dog to stop pottying in the house and it doesn't seem to matter if we clean the carpet and I think it's permanently damaged but how can we afford to rip it up and replace it and even if we did it would just get damaged again and I don't know what to do about it and I haven't even put away my nativity set from Christmas yet because I can't get to the box it goes in because it is behind a pile of stuff in the garage and I can't get to it and everything is a disaster and embarassing and overwhelming and totally unfixable - too expensive to fix or too big to face.

I could go on all day. I am just spiralling into a panic over every single thing in my life that is not quite right, that still needs to be done, that I don't like, that is negative...

I am so upset that I can barely sit here at my desk at work. I feel like crying or screaming or throwing something. I want to go home and pull those stupid bricks out of the ground and throw them through my windows just to hear the glass break. I want to pull off my clothes because I can't stand the way they fit and feel on me. I want to kill myself because life is way way way too much to face right now. I can't express the level of anxiety I'm feeling. My whole body has that creepy-crawly sensation going on that I get during an anxiety attack.

Well, no wonder I procrastinate. No wonder I avoid everything. Who in the world wants to face anything or put any amount of work into anything when you're only going to feel like it was all a waste anyway? And when it doesn't matter how much time, blood, sweat, and tears you put in - there will always be a never-ending list of more more more more. No matter how much I try, I will be too slow, too lazy, too stupid. Everything I do will be wrong, ugly, crooked, awful. No wonder it is so hard to get out of bed on Monday morning and go back to work, where not only do I have all my home things that are wrong and need to be fixed, I have a second long to-do list here too.

Somehow over the course of a just a couple of days I've managed to slip from a place where I was doing okay and tank back into, "Why do I even want to bother living?" The fact that all it takes to make me suicidal is one stupid flowerbed is so frustrating, so depressing, so overwhelming. Why do I bother?

I'm trying to calm down, but it isn't working. I'm trying to get a grip and take a step back and look at this for what it is instead of letting it run away with me, but it's hard.

I'm trying to remember that this is a trial - not a personality trait. That this is something that is happening to me, not who I am. That the Lord has been leading me through these things one at a time - seems like I run into one big tribulation every weekend - and that if I will let Him lead me through it that I will see that He is delivering me from these issues that I have been carrying around and hiding from for so long. That it's better to experience this anxiety and turn to Him and figure out what it all means and what He wants me to learn from it and let Him heal this hurt rather than turn to my addictions and try to hide from it because that will only postpone the pain to be dealt with on another day.

I don't understand why I think everything should be so easy. Putting in a flowerbed - seriously- in my head seems like it shouldn't take more than a couple hours. Dig the trench... How could that possibly take more than 10 minutes? Lay down the landscape fabric. Please... How could that possibly take longer than 2 minutes? Put down the sand and put the bricks in... An hour, maybe. It seems so easy and straight foward in my head. Then I'm doing it and it is taking forever and coming out nothing like the picture in my head and I don't understand why. But it's not just the flowerbed. It's everything. Writing a story, cleaning the kitchen, doing a 3D model at work even just taking a shower and getting dressed - it's all the same. In my head it is clear and straightforward and I know exactly what to do and I can't imagine that it will take any time at all. But then it gets so complicated and nothing works out the way I feel it should and it takes so long and I get so overwhelmed and so tired and... I don't know. I don't understand. Why is it so different in my head than it is in real life???

I know I need to go THROUGH it. That I need to turn to my Savior. That I will learn from this and I will understand more and be a better person when I get to the other side of it. That there will be a depth of understanding that I can't get any other way and that I can't even comprehend right now. But I don't want to go through it. Please, just this once, can't I just go around or over or under? Can't I please just go home and go back to bed and go to sleep and have it all go away. But I know I can't and it doesn't work that way and it's hard and it stinks and I hate it and I just want OUT.

Am I totally insane?
Wendy

[Nicole H]

Hi Wendy,

I don't think you're insane. But to me, from reading this it sounds like you are getting to a scary place with the anxiety/depression stuff and I'm worried about you! Sometimes things can come and go and on a Monday everything feels horrible and then a couple of days later it's not so bad and you shake your head wondering how you ever let yourself get in such a panic over something like a flower bed (which by the way something like that would STILL be beyond my capabilities even though I'm feeling a lot better). I just hope that you won't let it go on at this level for too long. If it doesn't feel better or less overwhelming or less panic-inducing soon, it might be time to talk to a doctor or something. After going through my last episode, I have learned so much, and one of the things I now understand as a sure sign of my illness is when things like taking a shower and getting dressed or doing the dishes are too overhwelming to even begin to do. Because a month ago, even though rationally and logically I knew that taking a shower and washing my hair was not that hard and would take me all of 10 minutes, it was all I could do to force myself to do it. A few dishes in the sink would completely overwhelm me. I get it now, that it's a "brain thing!" Something is not connecting up there that is causing simple tasks to suddenly feel impossible, even when I know through experience that they are not difficult. Because now, even on days when I don't feel that great or have much energy, I can still have the thought "I'm going to shower real quick" and then I go and shower real quick. End of story. There isn't any debating or agonizing or trying to figure out some way around it. I don't have to start with forcing myself to stand up and walk to the bathroom, because I can't find the energy to move myself because of the crushing weight of my despair. I don't question whether I'm capable of doing it. I just go do it. Even if I'm sad, I can be sad and still shower or do the dishes. And that is such a HUGE difference from the way I had been feeling since last November, and the only thing that has changed is that my depression is finally in remission. It might not even be all the way in remission but I have gotten enough relief that I am remembering what it felt like to be able to function. But I'm also close enough to where I was that I can still remember what that felt like and so much of what you have written is the kind of thought process I would go through on a daily basis and I just didn't want to live because even being conscious and breathing seemed like it took more energy than I had. I also realized that when I was that depressed, I could just forget about cleaning my house or eating well or doing anything but the minimum it took to keep my life going, which for me was doing my job so that I could pay my bills, and trying to make it to church on Sunday. When I took the pressure off of myself by realizing that other people who were as ill as me had to do the same thing and that I wasn't alone, it made a huge difference. If I hadn't been able to let go of the guilt and the expectation of what I "should" be able to do, I don't know that I would have survived, or I would have had a breakdown at the very least. I had to realize that it didn't matter what "anyone else" would be able to do. Because the "anyone else" I would be thinking about would be someone who was well and wasn't dragging around this disease that feels like a 10-ton burden.

We had talked before about separating the depression from who we are and realizing that like you said, it's a trial, not a personality trait. It's an illness, an affliction, an adversity, whatever word you want to use, but it is just plain HARD. And I don't get a whole new personality when I'm not depressed versus when I am, but I get very very sick and when it gets that serious and debilitating, it can get confusing and frustrating because it does feel like it's your personality or you're lazy or whatever. The more I have read and educated myself and especially found others who struggle and write so eloquently about how they feel, the more I feel able to cope with it and not let it completely destroy me. I'm finally able to see that when things feel that hard, that dark, that heavy, that is my brain being out of balance or something going haywire in the "electrical" system or something biologically going wrong, it has nothing to do with my character, personal righteousness or lack of work ethic on any given day. And I guess I'm just trying to come up with more words to validate and give support to the idea of not beating yourself up over what you feel incapable of doing right now. I know that the Savior totally understands and perfectly empathizes with what you are feeling and struggling with and at these times all you can really do is just cling to him and trust him to get you through it.

I saw a picture a few months ago depicting Lehi's dream, and it really struck me to see visually that the iron rod was running straight through the mists of darkness, and the mists were so heavy that I could barely make out a few people right in the middle and they still had ahold of it. That beautiful amazing tree was right in front of them, glowing, not that far away at all, but there was no way they could see it through the mist. But they were hanging on and they were on the right path. And I figured that I was one of those people in that mist and that I had no way of knowing how close that tree actually was to me, but as long as I was hanging on, I could know that I would get through the mist. I would know which was the right direction. If I let go, I would get lost and wouldn't be able to even see which way I was facing. I also thought that even if I only managed half a baby step forward, at least it was half a baby step closer to the light. So I quit stressing over the nights I could barely find the energy to read 2 sentences in my scriptures, or when I couldn't keep focused enough to make sense when I was trying to pray. The important thing was that by even making the attempt I was showing the Lord that I was still trusting him to bring me through it. Even when I was mad at him and accusing him of being mean to me, at least I was still talking to him. I couldn't feel his love because I couldn't even see the tree, for crying out loud, much less taste the fruit! I just had to trust that it was still there. And I was hanging on to what I knew his words said, things like him never leaving or forsaking me. Keeping that visual image in my head has really helped me during these past months when I didn't see any improvement at all, even doing everything I knew how to do, waiting for my doctor to find the right answer. I just knew that my job at that point was to hang on and not quit. I don't know if any of that helps, but I hope so. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that things will feel better for you soon.

Love,
Nicole

[Wendy J]

Nicole,
Thanks so much for your post. It was good to have someone read my ranting "brain dump" and say, "Hey, this isn't right. You need to take care of yourself." Even though I felt terribly self conscious about posting that yesterday, it was good to get my thought process out in writing where I could see what was going on instead of just having it running in circles in my head. I am so used to that kind of thinking being the norm... It was just good to get it out and see that it wasn't right and then have someone else validate that for me, you know?
I think yesterday was just kind of the perfect storm for me - I had gotten myself so stressed out about that flowerbed and my house in general, then came to work on a Monday where my workload is really getting heavy too. In addition, I am in a lot of pain - I got REALLY badly sunburnt this weekend, and it's not just my skin that hurts - it hurts all the way down to the bone, so it's like my joints hurt. I get really crabby when I'm in pain! And in addition, I decided to try waxing my face this weekend, which I've never done before, and now I have a rash on my face too, which is uncomfortable AND embarassing. Like I said, a perfect storm for a freak-out. So that little voice in my head just says, "Look, everything you do backfires on you. Everything is wrong. You're in pain and feel sick. Nothing is ever going to get better. It's time to give up. Crawl back into bed and admit defeat. You're just not worth the effort."
I was thinking that it is time to start tackling my inventory. I first bought a copy of "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" more than 7 years ago, and I'm only on step 4! And I haven't done an inventory yet. I had decided that it was okay if I skipped the inventory and just kept going through the steps so I wouldn't get hung-up, but lately I've noticed that I am experiencing all kinds of emotions and behaviors that I just don't understand - and that maybe doing my inventory would help me figure some of it out. So yesterday I spent a couple hours and just got started. I used the example in the back of HDDMFB as a guide - I made three columns - one for the event, one for the emotion, and one for why I felt that way. I didn't get very far. I think I wrote down about a dozen different traumatic childhood events and that's as far as I got. But the things I started noticing again and again that came up were: fear, confusion, frustration, self-doubt, self-hate... I started noticing again and again that I was in situations where my parents did not believe me or punished me for something I didn't do or didn't understand. I had to decide whether to believe them or myself and that was a decision I didn't know how to make. So I learned to doubt myself, my ability to know right from wrong, even my basic ability to perceive what is happening. I came to accept the "reality" that: "Punishment is imminent at any moment. I won't understand what I'm being punished for, but it will come, and it will be my fault." And I ended up believing the "reality" that since I was getting punished for doing bad things, but I had no recollection of choosing the bad things, that these bad things must just be a part of my nature and a part of who I am and that I can't do anything about it or ever hope to change - that I am just bad. Going through this yesterday, I just started crying. It is so heartbreaking to get that out in writing and see it and realize that this is what I've been living with my whole life. I mean, no wonder I have such a hard time trusting my own feelings and instincts and can't make decisions and struggle with perfectionism and am so unhappy! No wonder life is such a struggle if I'm second-guessing myself all the time, believing that there is something truly evil in me, and expecting punishment to come down on my head at any moment. That would induce panic in anyone! I am not just some crazy weakling!
There is still so much I don't understand. Working on my inventory, I found myself writing over and over, "I'm not sure WHY I felt that way. I wish I knew..." But at least I think like I'm starting to get the beginnings of it.
Anyway, I need to go. I have been meaning to email you but my perfectionistic self keeps saying, "You need to watch that video she sent you first," and I haven't gotten around to doing that. But I have been thinking of you lots. Thank you so much for keeping in touch. You have been such a blessing!
Much love,
Wendy

[Nicole H]

Hey. Good luck on your step 4 thing. I put off doing step 4 for a long time because I didn't want to get to step 5!! For me the thought of having to tell someone all my stuff was enough to keep me on the verge of panic just thinking about it. Fortunately I was able to get through all of it with my counselor and I had to tell most of it when I decided I wanted to have my temple blessings restored. Although it nearly sent me off the deep end having to relive that stuff, I can see where it was necessary in order to be able to move forward. Being set free from the shame of my past has been such an amazing thing. Especially realizing that I spent my life beating myself up for a lot of things that weren't even my fault because I was a child when they happened. But when you're a child you have no way of getting it that stuff isn't your fault when you get blamed by the big people in your life and you take their word for it. I think it was good to go through all of that as an adult and be able to tell that little girl that she wasn't bad and horrible like she always thought she was. I hated having to feel all of those things that I fought so hard not to feel, but I just kept reminding myself that they were only memories and feelings, I wasn't reliving the trauma even though it felt like it. I remembered thinking it was never going to be okay, that I would always be haunted by it, and I'm so glad to realize that it's not true. And it has really helped me during this last depressive episode, to know that it wasn't anything that I needed to confess or deal with from my past, and Satan had one less trick to deceive me with.

I found this short little blog thing on Segullah today that made me think of you! It was short enough to just paste.

"I’m going to make this short:
Don’t give yourself a hard time about having a hard time when you’re having a hard time.

All of us have hard times. And hard times are hard for at least two reasons: the hard thing that’s happening is hard in and of itself, plus it’s also hard to realize that that hard things happen to you just like they happen to everyone else. But strangely enough, many of us get very disappointed in ourselves when we have a hard time with our hard time. And so we make things even harder by telling ourselves it shouldn’t be so hard.

Hard things are hard enough already. We hardly need to make them harder. So please, don’t.

(And if you just can’t help it, then at least don’t give yourself a hard time about giving yourself a hard time when you’re having a hard time. Enough is enough.)"

I think I'm going to memorize this!! Hard things are supposed to be hard. If they were easy they wouldn't be hard things!

Talk to you later...and you can email me any time you want to, if I send you stuff there's no pressure for you to look at it or read it right then and there. Sometimes when I put things off and look at them later, the later winds up being the perfect time to have a bigger impact on me than it would have had I gotten around to it earlier. Don't ever worry about that!!!

Have a great day!
Love,
Nicole

[cognitions]

Hi Nicole and Wendy,
sorry but I have been kinda reading your conversations and I just wanted to tell you that i have had depression for about 9 years, I had a girl that completely broke my heart, I think that depression is worse than cancer, at least a cancer patient has the conviction that they are loved. anyway I found this amazingly written book, called feeling good book. Has turned my life around completely. I was on meds to control my depression and also seeing a counsler, but ever since i started reading this book I am off of them and am way better off without them because I feel like im finally in control of my life with no depression, Its wonderful!!! Anyway I just thought I would share.

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336